


Bear Poking

by BlackMajjicDuchess



Series: Dicking Around and Other Tales [5]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Bets & Wagers, Bromance, Dick Jokes, Gen, Hangover, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Intoxication, Light Masochism, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Rage, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-13
Updated: 2014-04-13
Packaged: 2018-01-19 06:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1459342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackMajjicDuchess/pseuds/BlackMajjicDuchess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm apparently on a roll today. </p><p>Part 5 of an inappropriately hilarious collection of the most epic bromance of the Naruto series.</p><p>Tsunade is passed out. "We have to fuck with her." So Kotetsu gets the permanent marker, and the two friends begin playing with fire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bear Poking

“We have to fuck with her,” Kotetsu whispered conspiratorially.

“We can’t, Kotetsu. She will literally kill us,” he responded, terrified. Her temper was legendary, her skill unsurpassed. When she was in a foul mood, nothing and no one was safe from the tempest that was Tsunade Senju.

Kotetsu’s head lolled over, wearing that lazily dangerous expression that was not to be swayed. Izumo hated it when he got like this, almost as much as he relished these moments. Indulging Kotetsu’s suicidal whims was always wicked fun and usually got them in deep trouble, particularly where the Leaf Village Hokage was concerned. Tsunade, their employer and a goddess among kunoichi, was ill-tempered and an alcoholic, both two of the village’s worst kept secrets. Their proximity to her at her most shameful moments was a fountain of both never-ending entertainment and consternation. She was almost as fun to deal with as she was frustrating.

Today was no exception. Because, today… she had passed out drunk the night before an important meeting with the captains of ANBU. A meeting that was in… about forty-five minutes. The puddle of drool and the profoundly uncomfortable position she had fallen in were dead ringers that she was out cold. It was one of those rare moments where one could—quite literally—get away with poking bears. Coincidentally, that was exactly what Kotetsu was suggesting.

“You feeling lucky, punk?” Kotetsu prompted, grabbing a permanent marker.

Izumo looked between the sharpie and the face of the Hokage. A woman who, by all rights, could shred his body from balls to eyeballs with merely a surge of chakra, and that was without being infuriated from childish antics. Izumo often wondered if they had gotten too old for these kinds of things. They were nearing thirty fast and still just as amused with potty humor and practical jokes as ever.

Then he imagined how the meeting would go with the ANBU captains. The captains were notorious for having massive sticks wedged up their asses. The prickly bastards had no sense of humor whatsoever. Tsunade walking in with a bunch of dicks on her face was likely to get some kind of rise out of them. He felt the devilish grin cross his face before he could help himself. The mental image was just too funny to pass up. “Yessss…” he hissed, leaning over her.

“Here’s the game,” Kotetsu began. “We draw on her face. Then, we put this mirror right here, and you and I go out into the hall. We take turns going in. You go in, and I slam the door. Then you come out, and I go in, and you slam the door. We keep doing it until she wakes up. The unlucky bastard that is in the room when she wakes up gets to take the tongue lashing before she goes to her meeting while the other gets to laugh his ass off in the hallway. Deal?”

It was just the sort of suicidal, masochistic, shit-for-brains game that Kotetsu would suggest. However, the temptation of being the one in the hallway when she woke up defeated the fear of her wrath. Both of them had been thrashed by her ire on numerous occasions. One more might even be worth it. “Yeah. Deal.”

He would be the one in the hallway, he vowed. Whatever it took.

Kotetsu did all of the drawing, and gleefully. Drawing dicks on places that they didn’t belong was his specialty, and Izumo was content to let him do so. If Tsunade was in a forgiving mood, she might remember that Kotetsu was the artist, and not him. That might be a bit too optimistic, though, he thought as the masterpiece was finished. It was, Izumo noted, some of his best work. He’d even put an anatomically correct throbbing vein on the shaft for realistic effect. “Alright. Who goes first?” Kotetsu asked.

“Rock Paper Scissors,” Izumo responded quietly. “One shot.” They held their fists out.

“Rock, Paper, Scissors!”

“Rock, Paper, Scissors!”

Kotetsu’s scissors beat his paper. _Damn_. Kotetsu pointed at him and winked. “Good luck, bro!” Dancing a jaunty little jig, Kotetsu went out into the hall.

A moment later, the first slam occurred. Izumo held his breath, waiting for the reaction that never came. He exhaled a deep, relieved sigh. _Saved_. A moment later, a grin bloomed on his face. “My turn!” he crowed, skipping to the door.

He traded places with Kotetsu, who sauntered into the office and planted both feet in the center of the floor, arms clasped at ease behind his back. He gave Izumo a quick wave and a smirk, then turned his attention to the sleeping woman at her desk. Izumo cocked the door back, took a deep breath, and slammed it shut with all his might. His ears pricked, waiting for the tirade… that also never came.

It continued like that for about fifteen minutes. A small crowd began to form outside in the hallway, drawn by the ruckus. Sakura arrived, arms folded, adopting a severe look meant to mirror that of her shishou. Izumo wasn’t fooled, though. Sakura’s temper was honing itself to match Tsunade’s, but she was still a child at heart, and her sense of adventure was not dulled. “What are you doing?” she hissed. A moment later, Kotetsu opened the door, and they made eye contact. “You’re at it again, aren’t you? What’s the game this time?” she asked, serious expression replaced with one of mischievous curiosity. 

Izumo walked into the room while Kotetsu went to explain the gig to Sakura. He took the opportunity to try to craft a strategy. If they kept on the way they were going, this was going to end in disappointment instead of getting to listen to Kotetsu having a new asshole chewed out with shark teeth. And he definitely needed to be the one _outside_ the room when it happened.

Hm, he thought with a pause. Sharks… water… _bingo_. He wove a quick succession of hand seals.

As he switched places with Kotetsu, slamming the door, he made a stage entrance into the hallway, sliding out on his knees throwing the horns. Sakura stifled a giggle as the unmistakable splash of water could be heard from inside the office. “Oh dear,” Sakura whispered, knowing what was coming next.

There was a feminine groan. Then, shortly thereafter, a low growl that rose in volume and was punctuated by a loud _crack!_ as her fist hit the desktop. Izumo was already laughing before her furious voice bellowed _“KO-TET-SU!!!”_ Sakura was laughing—discreetly, so as not to invite the wrath of the one inside—and Izumo wondered if he had ever had better days in his life. "WHY IS MY HAIR WET?! DO YOU REALIZE THAT I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING WITH THE ANBU CAPTAINS IN TEN MINUTES?!? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FACE, YOU VILE, CHILDISH WORM?!? SAKURA?!? SAKURA?!?”

Sakura looked at Izumo, blanching. “I wasn’t here,” she whispered, dashing down the hallway, shoulders shaking with quiet laughter.

“SHIZUNE?! SAKURA?!?” There was silence as Tsunade waited for her rescuers. Then the real fun began.

“I hope you’re happy,” came the dangerous, snappy tone of a very pissed off Hokage. A moment later, the unmistakable smack of a stack of papers sailing across the room and into a wall echoed down the hallway. “I bet you love it. Nobody can stop you from drawing dicks on someone’s face when they’re passed out. It must be so easy for you. All it takes is one permanent marker and one unconscious woman and the desire to be an asshole.” The desk flipped. “You all think this is SOoOo FUNNY!” she hollered. “OH, LADY TSUNADE IS DRUNK AGAIN! LET’S ALL FORGET THAT SHE HAS EVERY REASON IN THE WORLD TO BE DRUNK AT EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY. SINGLE. _DAY_. DO _YOU_ WANT TO BE THE HOKAGE OF THIS GOD FORSAKEN DEATH TRAP?!?”

There was the unmistakable splintering of wood as, presumably, her chair smashed against the door. The door shook, and the sudden sound burst made Izumo flinch. When the shock of terror wore off, he had to bite his hand to keep from burst with laughter. He hadn’t liked that chair anyway.

“DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS STACK OF PAPERWORK EVERY DAY?” There was ripping, fluttering of paper as—Izumo guessed—she kicked the mess of mission reports, storming around the office like a storm. “MAYBE I’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT,” she jabbed, “STARTING WITH YOUR GAY LOVER AND YOUR FUCKING GOLDFISH.”

“I… don’t have a goldfish,” came Kotetsu’s gentle reply.

“THEN I WILL GET YOU ONE, AND THEN I’LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER AND BREAK ITS BLOODY GUTS ALL OVER YOUR KITCHEN TABLE, _DROWN_ IT IN SAKE, AND FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I KILL YOU!”

“Yes, Hokage-sama,” he murmured politely.

“KOTETSU!”

“Yes Hokage-sama?”

Her voice dropped to that dangerously soft whisper. “Where are you going?” she asked dangerously, ice-cold voice dripping with venom.

“Out of your sight,” he responded evenly.

“YOU’RE COMING WITH ME TO THE ANBU MEETING.” The door wrenched open a moment later, sending Izumo sprawling backward in alarm to avoid the crossfire. The Hokage strode out of the room and down the hall, fists balled at her sides, an expression plastered on her violated face that could freeze blood. “IZUMO!” she snapped.

Izumo scrambled to his feet and snapped to attention. “Y-yes, Hokage-sama?”

“YOU’RE COMING, TOO.”

 _Damn_.


End file.
